27. Single. Virgin.

So… I’m single. Acute on chronic. I have my run-ins with boys here and there, but I’ve been pretty damn single for a long time. A long, long time.

I’m also a virgin. Chronic. Why? Well it started out as a “because my parents told me so” thing, but eventually grew into my own thing. Religious? Nope… Involuntary choice? Rude. I seriously don’t think any 27 year old female can be a virgin involuntarily. I refuse to believe that. Women can literally get some any time we want. My virginity is very much a choice and I’ve been pretty damn abstinent for a long time. A long, long time.
I went to get a bikini wax a few months ago and after the process, the lady was giving me instructions for care and said (in a very thick Russian accent), “In the next 24 hours, no exercise…” I laughed. She looked at me with an odd expression, so I stifled my chuckle and nodded intensely. She went on,”…and no sex,” I laughed even harder this time. Those are like the two things I NEVER do. She looked at me like I was a crazy person.

It’s kinda funny being a virgin. I think there are a few pros and cons to being a 27 year-old virgin… Oo! ooooh! I feel a list coming on! Number 7 will surprise you!!! (Dude! I get sucked in by these lists online ALL the time! I’m always like, “omg I HAVE to know what number 7 is now!”)

Cons:

  1. Pap smears are scary as hell. After being harassed by almost every nurse that has prepared me for a physical, I decided to just go ahead and get a pap smear.

    “Have you gotten a pap smear yet?” “No, I figured I don’t need to, since I’m not sexually active.” “You’re not sexually active??” “Nope. Never.” “Are you pregnant?” Yes… and his name shall be Jesus. Come on… don’t they teach you about the birds and the bees in nursing school?? “Uhhh. Kinda impossible, so nope.” “Oh yeah… Well maybe we should just get you one, just in case…” In case I’m lying to you about being a virgin, just so I can have this super fun, awkward conversation? Honestly whatever, anything to end this line of questioning.

    So I scheduled it with an ObGyn and when I got there, I put my feet in these stirrups. All the better to see your vagina with my dear. I started some polite small talk with my doctor as she prepared “the device” dun dun dun (which pretty much looks like a plastic curling iron, with a little duck bill that opens up… IN YOUR VAGINA). She asked why I’d never gotten a pap smear and I explained that I’m a virgin. She was positioned right in between my legs as I said it. She immediately popped up her head so that I could see her shocked face between my knees. I just smiled awkwardly and nodded. She hesitantly picked up “the device”, shook her head, and ducked back between my knees as she said, “This is gonna hurt…” And that, boys and girls, is how I lost my virginity to a pap smear. Okay yeah, maybe that was TMI. But my whole blog is TMI, so deal with it! Moving on…
  2. Every guy (everyONE) thinks you’re a prude. “Oh you’re a virgin?” sharp inhale through the teeth. They then proceed to censor every “That’s what she said” joke and sexual reference in our conversations.
  3. Everyone thinks there’s something wrong with you and/or your vagina. No, it doesn’t have teeth (contrary to popular belief, ahem, Nikki and Zach). Maybe a few cobwebs, but no teeth.
  4. Super douchey douchebags will try to trick you into having sex with them, just because you’re a virgin, and it’s a challenge. Just give up now, you tool. Even if you succeed, the joke’s on you because I’m going to be awkward as hell and really bad at it.
  5. I hear sex is pretty amazing. That’s why everyone says insert super freaking awesome thing hereis better than sex.” Like it’s literally the bar for anything amazing.
  6. I’m 27 years old and totally inexperienced. In the bedroom! Everything else I’m pretty okay at… yeah no… actually I’m just an all around mess.
  7. I can rarely ever throw caution to the wind. I always have to think twice about anyone that I get physical with. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t such a big deal… 

Pros:

  1. I rarely ever throw caution to the wind. I always think twice about anyone that I get physical with. And although I sometimes wish it wasn’t such a big deal, it really is for me, and these 27 sex-free years of hard work that I’ve put in, only give me that much more determination to hold out for someone special.
  2. It kinda weeds out all the lazy douchebags who just want an easy lay. It’s like a citronella candle for douchebags (the lazy ones at least. All others, refer to Con #4).
  3. You don’t have to worry about STDs. Swimming constant laps in the anxiety pool can be pretty exhausting.
  4. No pregnancy scares. Those Plan B pills can get super expensive (and will probably be extinct soon) and all the various forms of contraception can be kind of a pain. I mean periods aren’t usually as celebratory, but I’ll take it.
  5. You don’t really have to keep it pretty down there (but if anyone asks, I do… I’LL NEVER TELL).
  6. All parents love you because they think you’re wholesome. Despite any other major flaws you may have.
  7. You are entitled to this self-righteousness about not being a whore while everyone else around you are sex-crazed monsters. Also, there’s no pressure to learn all the different types of lingo and information that normal sexually active people are expected to know. Different names of positions and tricks. It’s just one less thing to worry about.
  8. My mom high fives me every time I reassure her I’m still a virgin. It makes up for any lack of “I’m proud of you”s I was missing as a child (I didn’t have mean parents. They’re just asian. Asian parents are rarely proud… or satisfied). Those v-card high fives are what keeps these legs closed every single time. So thanks, Mom… Parenting at its finest.
  9. I can avoid any sex driven emotional attachment. Apparently after sex, our bodies release oxytocin, which can cause people (more so women, OF COURSE) to develop feelings of emotional attachment. So it’s a common thing for women to mistake these feelings for love. No sex. No fake love. Less confusion.
  10. Last but not least, I honestly have no idea what I’m missing, so the thirst isn’t all that real. Friends will complain to me about dry spells, which usually lead to desperation, which often leads to bad decisions. Very bad decisions.

I am SO single that my mom will sometimes ask where I was late one night or why I didn’t come home. And almost every single time I try to come up with some slightly ridiculous, slightly believable scandalous story. For example, I once told her I was hanging out with this dude. We had a few drinks. He invited me over to “Netflix and chill”. And I said, “Yes,” of course, because everyone knows that there are no two things I love more than Netflix and chilling. Little did I know that “Netflix and chill” is now a popular euphemism for sex. For a lazy ass, such as myself, this is very misleading. So when we got to his place, he put the moves on me and one thing led to another and long story short, I lost my v-card.

Devoid of all expression in her face, my mom replied, “So you had a fun time with Melissa and Erica then I assume? Why did you end up coming home so late?” “Yeah, we ordered a pizza and fell asleep on the couch.”

It’s sad when your mom thinks you’re pathetic.

So I don’t know if that’s a pro or a con. I think that’s a con… yeah.

I will say this… (cue the soapbox rant) Abstinence is a choice. And I support whatever choice you decide to make in your life. But just be sure to make a conscious decision that ultimately makes you happy. Not your parents. Not your significant other. Not anyone else in the world, but you.

I’m not generally a very physical person. I have a very strong sense of personal space and don’t often like to let people into my bubble. I’m not much of a cuddler unfortunately. Consequently, I decided early on that sex was a very intimate and important thing to me. Something that I wanted to share with someone that I trusted and someone that I was in love with.

Some people don’t share the sentiment and that’s totally fine. Sex is an important part of relationships and for some, that occurs before love or marriage. For some, that’s part of their ”getting to know you” process. And for some it’s merely a physical act that has absolutely nothing to do with emotional feelings. And that’s okay. No slut shaming here. I just so happen not to work that way.

I have a lot of opinions that aren’t popular. But I don’t think less of people with differing opinions. In the same way that I’d hope no one thinks less of me.

When I start dating a guy, I always have to have the “sex talk” eventually, and every time I tell them, “I totally understand if you disagree with my choice and if sexless dating is something that you can’t handle, I respect that and won’t think any less of you for backing out now,” and I mean it. So far no one’s taken me up on the offer, but if they did, I wouldn’t be too butt hurt about it. I’ve known a few virgins who feel as though the entire world should bend to their life choice. “He dumped me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. What a sleeze ball,” can sometimes be a very one-sided opinion. I’ve heard the argument, “If he loved me” or “If he was a decent man, he’d wait,” Well if some guy told me that he doesn’t eat ice cream and for as long as I’m with him, I can no longer eat ice cream either, because it’s something we’d both have to wait until marriage for, to be completely honest, I think I’d dump the dude. Not just because I severely disagree with his poor life ice cream deprived choices, but mostly because, why would I ever want to live in a world (albeit temporary world) without ice cream?? Nope. Also, a man who has such horrifically and ethically wrong opinions on ice cream, just isn’t my type anyway. Nor would I be his…

So whether you’re holding out on ice cream ‘til marriage or you have a different flavor every day of the week, do what makes you happy (short term AND long term. Will you look back on this tomorrow or ten years from now without regret?) and don’t worry about what other people think about it (but if you’re the latter, and have seven different flavors a week, you should probably get tested and definitely use condoms). Find out what’s important to you and follow your heart. Still unsure? Maybe a list of pros and cons might help…

-Kat

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